Just a quick warning: this post will not be funny. At least, not intentionally.
It's funny to go to sleep and realize you're terrified. Last night I went to bed really early. Like, six pmish. This is because I'd been up for over twenty four hours and was really tired. As a result, I had some pretty weird dreams. The majority of them had something to do with me being in college. You see, I just graduated from High School and I'm getting ready to go south for the... fall... for college. Anyway, I've been really excited. REALLY excited. Even after I figured out I wouldn't be able to take the classes that I wanted to take this year, I was still REALLY excited. I only saw the good things. Moving away from home, meeting new people, taking new classes, and being independent. Last night, however, I began to see the terrifying stuff like moving away from home, meeting new people, taking new classes, and being independent.
Don't get me wrong, I love independence. I love the declaration, I love the day, I even love undecided voters. I've never been scared of being independent. That is, until last night.
Last night I had quite a few, well, nightmares I guess. They weren't the scary kind of nightmares, they were the uncomfortable and realistic kind of nightmares. Basically, I was in a lot of normal college situations (in class, in my house, walking around campus, etc.) and no matter where I was or what I was doing, I was uncomfortable. I had this horrible feeling that I didn't belong. Nobody was saying anything or doing anything to exclude me, but I couldn't shake the feeling. In one of my dreams, I was back in my home town. I kept going to the houses of people that I knew in high school in an effort, I assume, to rid myself of that feeling of not belonging. But even with them I felt uncomfortable. I woke up pretty soon after this and started thinking about why I felt that way.
I came to this conclusion. I'm not afraid that I'll be unable to make friends. I'm afraid of not having that feeling of camaraderie that you have in high school. In high school, you feel like a prisoner. Not a terribly uncomfortable prisoner, but a prisoner nonetheless. And when you make friends, the biggest thing you have in common is your imprisonment. You bond over it. You enjoy the times you hang out outside of school because they make you feel rebellious. You enjoy the times you hang out inside of school because you share a distaste of your perceived captors. Now, high school isn't a prison. It's not a terrible place to be; not by a long shot. Teachers in high school are usually okay. But everything about high school seems worse when you're in it. That feeling is what brings high schoolers together. I don't feel like it will be the same in college.
I've spent so long being excited that I didn't allow myself to be afraid. The reason for that is that I wanted to be excited more than I wanted to be afraid. I won't miss high school. I don't want to go back or anything. College and independence are both just a little scarier than I wanted to admit to myself.
Unready and willing,