Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I Beat My Old Record!

There are a lot of stupid traditions out there (holidays, shaking hands, stopping at red lights, etc.), but one of them stands alone. Anniversaries. Now don't get me wrong, in theory they're great. They provide an excuse for a couple to say to each other, "Hey, we made it longer than we thought we would. Good for us!" However, it's gotten a little out of hand. I don't particularly mind it when old couples celebrate their 40th year together, but when stupid high school students celebrate their second month together it seems really pathetic. Now, I'm a reasonable person. I realize that the tradition of anniversaries is here to stay. All I'm proposing is an alteration to the way they are done.

Let's look at the thinking behind anniversaries. As I said before, they exist as a way for a couple to congratulate each other on making longer than they expected. But, they have another purpose that few recognize. They also work well as a slap in the face to your ex. You see, if a girl dates a guy for six months and then they break up, she probably feels pretty bad about it for a while. The best consolation for her is dating another guy for seven months. So, why not only celebrate the anniversaries that matter; the ones in which you win the break-up with your ex. I think that the only anniversaries that should be celebrated are the ones that you have yet to celebrate with someone else.

Now I know what you're thinking, "But Simon, what happens when one person has celebrated up to a six month anniversary and the other only up to a three month anniversary?" It's simple, really. In this event, only one person celebrates the anniversary. However, the person that has already had this anniversary is obliged to get the other a gift. This also adds an incentive to make each of your relationships longer than the last (because that way you get presents). All around, I think this would solve a lot of problems and give something pointless some meaning.

And you wonder why I'm single,

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I hate Asymmetry!!yrtemmysA ehat I

Symmetry is beautiful. It gives you that nice feeling. Ahhhhh. Asymmetry is disgusting. It gives you that uncomfortable feeling. Ughhhh.

There is one exception to this rule. Faces. As those of you with photographic memory will remember, in my blog post "Gum" I talked about my ideal woman and one of her attributes was "Asymmetrical Face". This is the one area in which I actually like asymmetry. It makes people's faces, which are usually boring, interesting. I also like faces with character in them. Also, people with perfectly symmetrical faces look really fake.

Now, let's list a few of the many ugly asymmetrical things
  • Facial hair (Which is actually always ugly, but it looks worse when it is asymmetrical)
  • Pants
  • Sleeves
  • Those stupid tops that girls wear with the head hole that stretches over one shoulder
  • And finally, ears. I realize that this one isn't a choice, but you could have just as easily gotten an asymmetrical face which would look good.
On to other things that annoy me.
Facebook trends? Those things that plague my News Feed like nothing else? The annoying, obnoxious, and incredibly similar fads that never seem to end? Yeah, I know them. Why, who cares?

Mythbusters just confirmed that someone that is sleep deprived is a much more dangerous driver than someone that is tipsy. If there was ever any doubt, let it be known that alcoholic insomniacs shouldn't drive.

A lot of people ask me, "Simon, why do you love Canadians so much?" A great question. And actually, I don't think anyone has ever asked me that, but I was thinking about it today. It's not that I've never met or heard of a Canadian I didn't like, it's just that I know of so many that I love. Barenaked Ladies, Rheostatics, Steve Nash, Wayne Gretzky, Robin Scherbatzky, and many others. These great people are most of the Canadians I have heard of. Therefore, using inductive reasoning I must come to the conclusion that the majority of Canadians are really awesome.

Don't try this at home,

Sunday, October 24, 2010

So Over Joy.

So, good news and bad news. Let's start with the bad news (What can I say? I'm a pessimist). You might remember when I blogged about how my Nona and Papa (Grandma and Grandpa) were temporarily living with us and that they were moving out soon. Well, that isn't happening. My Papa isn't taking the job he was offered after all. Which, of course, is very disappointing.

Now, on to the good news. Steven Page (Who rocks in case you don't know) just released his new solo album Page One and it is awesome! He released a single from it called Indecisive a couple of months ago and it actually inspired the name of my old blog Indecision. There are a lot of things that I love about this album, but what I love the most is that it made me realize something. A good song is, in many ways, like a good painting. What first draws you to a song is it's melody and the harmonies. The music. Which, is the equivalent of a painting's aesthetic appeal. Its color palette, brushstrokes, and a lot of other things about which I know nothing. However, what makes a painting or a song a masterpiece is the meaning behind it. In the case of a song this is usually shown through the lyrics. Now, these two things don't always have to correspond. A painting can have bright, flamboyant colors and still convey a dark or cynical message. A good artist can still show the deeper meaning without making it obvious. I feel like Steven Page does this with his new album. The majority of the songs have sarcastic, depressing, or cruel themes, but the entire album is really upbeat. It kind of reminds me of what Adler says about enjoyable beauty and admirable beauty.

Well, done with talking about Steven Page for now. Hope that didn't bore you too much.

There are some things in life I don't want to try. However, some of those things I don't realize I don't want to try until I have tried them. Take, for example, pumpernickel bagels. You see, I had never tried pumpernickel bagels until yesterday. I had smelled them before, but never tasted them. They didn't smell bad or look bad. My sister (or my pumpernickel pusher if you will) encouraged me to try it. However, she did warn me that it had a weird spice in them. I took a bite. It was disgusting! I wanted to throw up. My only consolation was that my sister, who had actually never had a pumpernickel bagel either, tried it after I did and was just as grossed out.

Land Ho!

Friday, October 15, 2010


Is it weird that I kind of like pretentious people? I guess it is just a matter of taste (which is funny because those who are pretentious feel that their opinion is the only one that matters). I understand why they annoy people, but I like them nonetheless. Let me be clear, people who are pretentious without any real reason to be that way annoy me. But, if someone really knows what they are talking about I'll listen to them no matter how snobbish they are. The same is true of people who are arrogant and really good at something.

Facebook is a dirty liar. She (yes, it's a girl) always tells me that I have a new message when I actually don't. Oftentimes I will be in the middle of a discussion with someone of Facebook and doing something else at the same time. I then rely on the little tabby thing at the top of the screen to tell me when they have answered me and sometimes it says "New message!" when they have not yet answered.

In my last blog, Indecisive located at, I would often write about how I was unsure whether or not I liked the television show House. Near the end of it, I concluded that I did like it and that if I had learned nothing from the experience of blogging, I had learned that I did like the television show House. Well, in recent weeks I have found a new television show: How I Met Your Mother. It is one of the most entertaining shows I have ever watched. I mean, you don't need to be a big thinker to appreciate it, but it is really entertaining.

I like the song "I would walk five hundred miles and aaI would walk five hundred more" not because of the tune or lyrics, but because of the accents of the guys singing it. It is especially awesome on the word "thousand" which they pronounce in a sort of "thayowzend" way.

Zitch Dog. Yes! One-nothing,

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Lately, I've heard a lot of people talking about their "Perfect girl" or "Perfect guy." Now, I think it is unhealthy to idealize the opposite sex and have some fantasy about perfection in a significant other. However, I also think it is unhealthy to eat frozen custard, but that doesn't stop me. So, let's see what I can come up with. This will be in order of importance.

1. Not related to me
2. Canadian
3. Female
4. Mormon
5. Loves the Harry Potter Series
6.A brunette (However, a blonde would also work just as long as they do not confirm any of the stereotypes about blonde women)
7. A true fan of one or more of the following: Sondre Lerche, Frank Sinatra*, Jeff Buckley, or Barenaked Ladies* (* Please n
note that I said TRUE fans)
8. An actress
9. A singer
10. A dancer
11. Classy
12. Very classy
13. A Nerdfighter
14. Someone who ironically uses words that I hate.
15. Someone who uses the words "Intermittent" "perfunctory" and "supposedly" correctly.
16. Named Jane Enid Beth St. Claire
17. In an all-girl band
18. Has hair that falls down in front of her eyes occasionally
19. Clever
20. Knows a lot about either politics or the economy
21. Quirky
22. Creative
23. Loves the movie A Mighty Wind
24. Loves The Office
25. Asymmetrical face
26. Enjoys literature
27. Loves olives (See the "Olive Theory" from How I Met Your Mother)
28. Loves How I Met Your Mother
29. Dresses modestly
30. Watches The Daily Show
31. Watches The Colbert Report
32. Never uses the "word" "supposably"
33. Gets all of the references in this post

-Supposedly Simon
(Awful Alliteration)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Things That I Don't Care About.

Okay, I've done this many times. I mean, I think if someone read my blog without actually knowing me first, they would think I was a jerk. I'm not. Now, onward and forward with my ranting about annoying people!

Oh my gosh, just stop it. If you and I were not friends on Facebook, life would be much simpler. Although, I suppose some good things would be missing. For example, I wouldn't know that you don't subscribe to the philosophy "Bros before hoes" and I wouldn't know that you think that global warming is karma for the iceberg wrecking the Titanic or that some day everyone will leave Facebook just as they left Myspace and I wouldn't know that you feel awkward standing there when a friend of yours talks to someone you don't know. However, this might be a step in the right direction seeing as how I already don't care.

In the space of time it took me to right that last paragraph, they liked another thing.

I don't think people realize that they look insane when they're on reality television. A girl on Survivor just filled someone else's shoes with sand and threw them into the ocean because she was upset with someone. Why would you do that with a camera right there? She heard people calling her crazy behind her back and decided to get back at them by proving their point.

I get excited over stupid things. For example, I got a mirror for my shower and I am now able to shave in my shower. I am so excited. Okay, you have to understand. My morning routine is slowly evolving into a routine that takes place solely in the shower.
You see, I love to take showers in the morning. It's a nice transition from sleeping to waking. Therefore, I try to do everything that I can to get ready in the morning in the shower. I feel like Kramer from Seinfeld. 

 There is a light at the end of the tunnel. November first. My Papa finally found a job. My Nona and Papa will be leaving at the beginning of November. By then, the "couple of weeks" they were planning to spend living with us will have become about six months. This could make some people upset, but not me. The ordeal is almost over.

No one cares that you like that stupid Geico commercial with the pig,

Sunday, September 19, 2010

A New Perspective

I like it up here. I don't know why. I think I can trace it back to when I use to climb trees when I was a kid. I used to always go over to my friend Garrick's house and we would climb the trees in the nearby greenbelt. Anyway, I always like coming here to get away from it all. And by "it all" I mean my Nona and Papa. For those of you who may not know, my Nona and Papa live with me. By the way, "Nona and Papa" is what I call my grandparents on my Mom's side to distinguish from those on my Dad's.

You know, I really hate going to the movies. It's annoying. I mean, it costs a ton and I am hardly ever satisfied with the movie that I see. It stinks because after you go all the way down to the theater, wait in line, pay seven bucks for a ticket as well as the inordinate price for any food, you still end up seeing a sub-par movie. The worst part about all of this, you always have to find someone to come with you. Why is that? You never socialize with someone who goes to the movies with you and if you do, people around you get annoyed.

I tend to have a word that I use excessively. My use of this word will only last for about two or three days and then I'll move on. Right now, "inordinate" is the word I am abusing. In fact, it took all of my self control to use the word "excessively" in the first sentence of this paragraph. It's just something I do.

Well, I've decided I want to get a pet gorilla. Okay, I know this sounds crazy, but it's something I really want to do. You see, my life is very much influenced by whatever book I am reading. I just finished the book Ishmael which is a book about the meaning of life, how the human race evolved into what it now is, and a telepathic gorilla. For those of you who haven't read this book, I'm about to spoil it for you. Almost spoiled. Further reading of this paragraph will lead to the spoiling of the ending of this book. Here it comes: in the end of the book the gorilla dies. It was really sad. So, I have to get a pet gorilla. The end. Spoiling of the book: over.

I dislike some people for no particular reason. It's not that they're bad people or even that they have characteristics that I seriously dislike. I think it is just one of those things where you don't "click" with someone. They just annoy me and I don't know why. I would feel kind of bad for them if I didn't dislike them so much.

This roof is made for blogging,

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Hello! I'm Tom Hanks

Today is the first official day of BOTTY (Blog Occasionally Throughout The Year). Now, I know what you're thinking, "That sounds like an awfully big commitment, can Simon keep up with it?" and the answer is probably.

Okay, some of you might be a little confused (I know I am). First of all, my name is Simon. I'm sixteen years old and a senior in high school. I recently finished a blog called Indecisive (found at which I wrote for something called Blog Every Day August (in which you blog every day in the month of August). After finishing my first blog, I decided to make another one. However, I did not want to blog every single day so I decided to just do it whenever I felt like it. This is why I created BOTTY.

I am way behind. I have not seen Inception. I have this feeling that everyone else in the world knows something about the nature of reality that I have yet to comprehend. This is exactly the same feeling I had before I saw Avatar. And frankly, I was very disappointed by that movie. I think that all of this hype will give me extremely high expectations for Inception and I will not enjoy it as much as I could have. So, I have two options. Option number one: never see Inception. Option Number two: convince myself it won't be as good as I think so that I go into it with an open mind and come out of it amazed. I hope.

Commercials are the coming together of a bunch of failures. I mean, you have the failed actor who has been reduced to doing commercials that have a crappy script written by a failed writer all of which is directed by a failed director. The only people who have succeeded in this situation are the creators of the product being sold. They at least had the common sense to not pay for anything better since they are selling something that is a piece of crap.

There is one thing in this world I can't stand: people who don't like The Simpsons. It is absolutely the funniest thing that has ever been written. I mean, if you like your comedy smart, stupid, or anything in between, it delivers. It is always clever and anyone who doesn't see that is entirely idiotic. That is all.

For once the rich white man is in control,