Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I Beat My Old Record!

There are a lot of stupid traditions out there (holidays, shaking hands, stopping at red lights, etc.), but one of them stands alone. Anniversaries. Now don't get me wrong, in theory they're great. They provide an excuse for a couple to say to each other, "Hey, we made it longer than we thought we would. Good for us!" However, it's gotten a little out of hand. I don't particularly mind it when old couples celebrate their 40th year together, but when stupid high school students celebrate their second month together it seems really pathetic. Now, I'm a reasonable person. I realize that the tradition of anniversaries is here to stay. All I'm proposing is an alteration to the way they are done.

Let's look at the thinking behind anniversaries. As I said before, they exist as a way for a couple to congratulate each other on making longer than they expected. But, they have another purpose that few recognize. They also work well as a slap in the face to your ex. You see, if a girl dates a guy for six months and then they break up, she probably feels pretty bad about it for a while. The best consolation for her is dating another guy for seven months. So, why not only celebrate the anniversaries that matter; the ones in which you win the break-up with your ex. I think that the only anniversaries that should be celebrated are the ones that you have yet to celebrate with someone else.

Now I know what you're thinking, "But Simon, what happens when one person has celebrated up to a six month anniversary and the other only up to a three month anniversary?" It's simple, really. In this event, only one person celebrates the anniversary. However, the person that has already had this anniversary is obliged to get the other a gift. This also adds an incentive to make each of your relationships longer than the last (because that way you get presents). All around, I think this would solve a lot of problems and give something pointless some meaning.

And you wonder why I'm single,

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